26 Top Tips for Inter-railers

Inter-railing is a fantastic holiday and anyone with the opportunity to go on such a trip this summer would do well to adhere to some of my tips! Regardless of how you plan your trip or whatnot I’m sure you’ll have a great spiritual and emotional experience along the way and come back to Ireland a changed and courteous person.. or not!

1. Ignore a lot of online advice (Besides mine)
A quick read online suggests cramped hostels, compasses and maps! Taking the hit by turning on your data roaming for maps and directions will not be too costly and will save a lot of hassle. There is no need to learn a ‘few phrases of the native languages’ either. Even a European with poor English will be able to understand you such is the difference in lingual ability. Who is going to whip out a compass…

2. Don’t do it on a budget
If you can avoid doing it on a budget do. Interrailing is an expensive holiday regardless so don’t overspend but do treat yourself too.

3.Bring Handcuffs
There is probably ‘that person’ in your group who’s alter ego will come to the forefront and go ‘smashy smashy’. Handcuff him/her, handcuff them quick! I would suggest on the plane…

4.Treat yourself to VDL for the first week
If taking aboard tip no.2 get the group a nice villa in Vale do Lobo for the week and start the holiday off in style. Rose by the pool during the day and Praca at night is a recipe for disaster/bedlam/brilliant week. Then aboard a cheap flight from Faro to Brussels and on with the rest of inter railing.

5. Book carriages and beds
Especially for long train trips, doesn’t cost much extra and is a lifesaver on busy routes.

6. Stay in Hostel O’let Prague
This is the point where you can take the handcuffs of that friend for there is no rules in this hostel. Pre drinks in these tiny seats and tables as the hostel is a primary school! Drink sold at reception 24/7.

7. Wear a fanny pack
It’s up to you… Lose your v-plates or lose your money/cards/everything.

8.Resist the Ios Temptation
I went Ios for a week at the end and wish I hadn’t and spent the extra money in Pag.

9.Go to Pag!
Although a flight and a long bus out of the way, Pag is an absolute must. Stay as close to Zrce beach as possible. Be prepared for 25 euro drinks in the nightclubs so go hard for predrinks! All day and night partys. Zrce beach puts Ios’ ‘Farout’ to shame.

10. Have a collateral fund

Just do.

11. Apps
Download city apps for dining hints and sites to see! Also the Hostel App is easy to use and convenient.

12. Go site seeing
You’ll regret if you don’t and there is so much to see!

13. Go to the Berlin Stadium
If you’re running on the pitch, do it at the end, you’ll be kicked out right away even if you think no one is around. So go for a swim in the Olympic pool,with Olympic diving boards and see all the facilities before running on the pitch!

14. Don’t go to the Berlin Wall
People told me this before I went interrailing and I ignored them so you’ll probably ignore me. It’s a wall.. that is literally it. I have one in my garden, well its a fence actually.

15. Take lots and lots of photos

Never too many, it’s the youngest you’ll ever be. Document it.

16. Don’t eat anywhere where there is pictures on the menu
No explanation needed here.

17. Go Canyoning
Lake Bled in Slovenia is a wonderful break from the hustle and bustle of cities and canyoning is a must. It’s 50 euro but one of the best days out. You go up through the mountains jumping out of waterfall after waterfall and is just brilliant fun!

Lake Bled

18. Don’t be ashamed relieve yourself in the bed… by accident.
Everyone know’s this is no.1 on the inter-railing bucket list.

19.You don’t necessarily need to book ahead
Although people say to book ahead sometimes it’s not necessary. We stayed in a lovely Berlin hotel for half the price as it was a last minute deal. Great location and great hotel. Was a treat in a long holiday!

20. Don’t look into your route that much
It’s very flexible and if you don’t like a place move on and spend the day somewhere else!

21. Having said that, try head Berlin for the weekend!
And head to ‘The Weekend’ nightclub!

22. Do the Prague ‘drunk monkey’ pub crawl
20 euro and there is no limit to what you can consume. My handcuffed friend (unhand cuffed for Prague remember) and I as excited as priests in a creche and didn’t make it beyond the first pub so do pace yourself to some degree.

23. Power through

Each city has a unique night life to the others so power through any hangover and keep going! Do the Irish name proud and make sure not to take nights off!

24. Do not share a room with randomers
I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing the shadow and graphic sounds of felatio performed by a random girl on a random guy. Rancid.

25.Public Transport

Generally speaking we didn’t pay for much public transport. We paid in Berlin because it is strict and organised. There is no apparent need to pay in Prague! I warn you to pay in Poland as not only are there ticket inspectors but also con-men! We were caught in Poland by a man wearing our school jacket…! Try to buy day passes when you know you will be visiting a lot of sights. Berlin and Amsterdam both have very efficient and reasonable transport systems.

26. Go Buckdaft

Most importantly, leave any dignity at home in Dublin and come home with some priceless stories!

NB.. Cannot stress enough to handcuff that guy/girl! Let them off every once in a while though!

Other work by me!

The Wounded Cub Holds Peace Talks and Hits the Town

Part 1 here 

Yet to get over the heartbreak of the Irish defeat last week I’ve been stuck in a boardroom all week and I’m absolutely ‘Alan Shattered’. To top it all off, having put her off for the week, I’ve to meet Jessica now.

I pull in just outside Tribeca, touch the wood on the dashboard, and hope not to get clamped.  I’m meeting Jess in this little spot, ‘The Town ’, does a fantastic piece of meat.

 “Jess call that waitor over there” I nod in the direction of the waiter in her eye line. However a young attractive waitress shuffles over to the table and asks if everything is okay, I’m thinking to myself, I wouldn’t mind flirting with this girl and I quickly analyze the situation in my head. I’m about to make a dickhead complaint and I’ve got the Gestapo of the Southside sitting opposite me so I opt against it. “Taste that steak there love” as I offer a piece to the waitress which she declines on restaurant policy, “well I ordered a rare €40 steak and this is clearly medium rare; it’s bloody ransit and does not compliment this Matsu I was recommended anyway”

The waitress leaves taking my plate with her. Jess is going on about how rude that was and whatnot. Saying I shouldn’t behave like a spoilt brat in front of a previous Miss Spin. The sad thing is she actually refers to herself as a previous Miss Spin. The unpleasant meal goes on as Jess outlines her peace treaty to me declaring ‘ The Luce ’ a no go bla bla.

I settle the bill, say my toodaloo to Jess and  head on outside and the Carrera is clamped. F**k. ‘Hailo’ a taxi and head on home for an early kip. Tomorrow is a big one.

The alarm goes off and I decide I better get out of bed, I don’t want the cleaner thinking I’m lazy and besides I gotta go the mopchop for the big night ahead.

New f**king haircut

Feeling f**king fresh with my new haircut I begin the leisurely walk home, whip out my to do list, and ring off the relevant targets. Clamp sorted. Car collection sorted. Look at the time, 1pm, better give Damo a call. A half blind banter merchant I know from back in the Trinner days “Damo, whats the BANTER, Fran here, yah fran, do me a favour and sort out a table for the boys tonight, on it in a big way!... yeah cheers bud that’s franfuckingtastic”

VIP suite sorted.

Feeling bloody brilliant with my productive day I give Robbo a ring. We’re out tonight to celebrate him getting off drink driving charges based on the Oinks misspelling his name. Absolute gift. “ Robbo, bant? Got the room sorted, gonna be absolute triple G tonight, aka ‘the goose’, the girls and the g spots.”, and Robbo the absolute gas administrator is already on it with Rocko and he’s currently motoring, one day after being cleared, to the next beer garden on his Saturday pub crawl/drive.

Next up on the to do list: Head to the gym (Ben Dunne, lol jk, Riverview) and give it absolute socks. I'm in all my Leinster gear as to trick the birds present. I'm going gung ho on the curls and I am literally a magnet to the female presence here which can be very frustrating as well as totally satisfying and ego-boosting.

Head on home, put on my party suit and send out a communal snapchat to ‘the ladies’. Cheeky bicep curled around the back of my head. Guilty. Send to:All girls, terrific.

9.15pm and Robbo collects me in a taxi. He’s steamed and wearing his S medal. At least he’s not driving I think.

'Guess why I'm wearing the one medal Fran?' he asks me and honestly I've no idea, rugby was never my thing after I unfortunately had to retire with a severe case of laziness and academic ambition but I entertain him and ask him why. He requests the 'Joey' turns down the music and announces 'I'm only wearing the one Fran because the 3 of them together were weighing me down and besides i'd look ridiculous wearing 3 medals Fran, I'm out of school 8 years!" He is proper gargled here and why not?

 9.35pm and we arrive at our room in Krystle. The boys and the girls all on the shots and I’m quite literally getting goose bumps at the thought of the Banter about to unfold.

 11pm and my pal James an absolute mate from schoolboy days. He’s fairly hunky doried, I'm quite sure he's been on the Columbian marching powder, and he’s going on about his dad being sorted now.

“He rode the recession like Charlie Sheen on cocaine, and now it’s all coming good again bro, he’s got investments in like the Congo or Africa or one of those Asian countries and its like all fucking dandy, it’s literally the good times all over again bro”. I nod in agreement. It’s true it is all f**king dandy I think.

 2.10 pm and the room is proper bopping. Choruses of Kanye West’s ‘The Good Life’ are being met with absolute obnoxious approval and we love it.  ‘The goose’ is basically on the tap at this stage and let’s just say I’ve been on form with the birds tonight. I’m quite literally Robbie D in the Deer Hunter and I can hear David Attenborough commentating on my every move.

"I'm a hunter"

 2.30 pm and this young wan is maccing all over me and I’m bulging with excitement quite literally. She looks like a kinky mix of Alba/ Kunis. I’m just laying back soaking it in. Standard.

 3pm and I slip out incognito (at least I thought) with Miss Spins younger sister (the Alba/Kunis Mott) and you won’t believe this but current Miss Sun and bring her back to the apartment (soon to be penthouse after my fat settlement; another day's chat)  and show her the master bedroom if yaknowwhatimean. I say to her ‘welcome to boom city love' and that's not just a saying I literally have 'Boom City' written above my bed.

Wake up next morning, head banging, but thinking absolutely worth it. Turn to the side – oh shit I literally just slept with the ex’s 19-year-old sister a day after peace talks and . The only thing going through my head at this moment is whether they gave me low fat milk with my cappuccino in the Barbour yesterday because I did forget to specify. Wounded Celtic Cub out for the count.

Expose of the Wounded Celtic Cub

 'You're the one that I want, oo-oo-oo, honey the one that I want, oo-oo-oo, honey the one that I want'

As I lifted my head I could smell the absolute ran-sit decay of a successful night. My breath ricocheted off the pillow and into my gaping mouth. Thought #2, what is that racquet? Who in 2014 sets their alarm as a Copper's classic. Bloody ridiculous. I swiveled around in the bed and smacked the alarm off. My eyes began to retain focus and I soon recognised the room I had inhabited. Lucy's spare..

Pick up the Iphone (5 in case you were wondering), one new text message from Rob Masterson aka Robbo: 'Fran, meet me and Rocko for coffee, Wham Cafe 1pm... need filling in on last night, absolute Rob Carnage"

That text made me feel a bit better, at least the boys are singing from the same hymn sheet. I 'halo' a taxi to wherever I left the four wheels last night  and slip out of Lucy's unnoticed.

Luce the goose on the shots

So let me introduce myself, the name is Francis Thomas Royce aka FTR (F**K the recession) and I'm a certified lifer as in do well at life if you get me. The house I woke up in was Lucy's who I've been seeing a bit on nights out recently but to be honest at this stage I think she's just using me for the free taxi home which I really don't mind as long as I'm welcome to Boom City, as I call it. Sure that's for another day's chat ey. Well anyone I'm approaching Wham now so i'll chattoya.

"Honestly Rocko it's no wonder you can't remember last night, you were up on the table in VIP drinking the goose as if you were an African baby discovering water for the first time" Robbo's on a roll I'm thinking " and right the bouncer tries to get you down, but you're having absolutely none of it you gas merchant"
The 6.8/10 waitress approaches the table, reading the body language of the boys I take the order upon myself, "3 low fat caps when you're ready and honey make sure they're absolutely piping hot, good on you", I turn back to the boys and they nod in approval, just what's needed.

Robbo is talking about my childhood confidant David Rock AKA Rocko, he's absolute barmy on a night out and nothing I'll hear will surprise me. I wouldn't be shocked to hear he has an endorsement deal with Grey Goose AKA 'the goose'.

I turn to the boys and I'm like "here all jokes aside boys, you know, I've to meet Jessica tomorrow to hold peace talks. Like she fully thinks we're Churchill and Hitler at this stage and its bloody wrecking my head"
Robbo and Rocko both take the BANTER down a notch realising the grave situation and Robbo, always the sensible thinker, asks "does she know you stayed at Lucy's last night? If so absolute damage control required"

I shake my head in approval, I mean yeah its true Miss Spin (AKA Jessica)and I have been broken up for quite a while now but her and 'The Luce' do not see boob to boob and Robbo is bloody right; damage control is required here.

The bill gets dropped to the table and like a cowboy shootout the cards from all of three of us are out, we'll let the waitress choose who's paying..

"Aright boys I gotta make like an egg and scramble, Dad's home for the weekend and I've missed the old bugger" I dismiss the boys and hop into the motor.

Quick briefing on my Dad. His name's Bob Owen Royce (he's an addict for these double barrel names). He's an absolute inspiration to me, in fact he's one of the reasons I'm a non practicing solicitor. Well technically I'm on garden leave while a case gets sorted out which by the way is a great story but I'll tell you about it later if you know what I mean. He's a solicitor or ex-solicitor, now barred, who got his hands a little dirty and is fighting a few fraud allegations. Anyways he's back from the UK, where he's currently living, for the weekend. Declared bankrupt there to save a whole load of David Hassle-off. As he said to me at the time 'bankrupt son, but only in name' and with that let out his signature chuckle.

"Ah Fran, home 8 hours and you finally make an appearance?" dad asks me keeping his eyes stuck to The Times yet to look up at me.

I give him a slap on his bald head and tell him to stop reading that shite about him in the papers but he absolutely loves it. He fully thinks he's a celebrity when really he's in all these papers for multiple fraud allegations. He fully wants to set up a twitter page for himself the absolute gas merchant.

"Fran, this is gas, they've given me a front page and a 2 page spread inside, and more importantly 2 possible twitter names" a smile beaming across his face " here what do you think of 'Bail Out Royce' or wait for it even better 'The Wolf of the Four Courts'. Apparently that's some reference to some young shot from across the pond"

Churchill looking like the old man coming out of his bankruptcy hearing

I'm in tears laughing here. His banter is top notch. That's enough for now anyway peeps and with that I'll sign off- The Wounded Celtic Cub-OUT.

PART 2 HERE

8 Things a Son Should Learn from his Father

As a father you have a responsibility to pass on your wisdom. For better of for worse your son is going to pick up a lot from you. Make sure you pass on these 10 nuggets of manly, men’s masculine, alpha male knowledge.

1) To shave 

Even Homer Simpson knew this was a man’s duty. Sadly my dad never taught me, instead I learned the hard way with cuts aplenty aboard the train to Irish College. Looking back I’d still have chosen the cuts over my prepubescent ronnie.

2)How to  survive when Mom is away for the weekend

This one, my dad perfected. A walk to the chipper or out for dinner followed by one big cleanup on Sunday night to hide the crimes of the weekend.

3)To drink your spirits straight

A real man, a man’s man lets say, drinks their spirit straight everyone knows that. We can’t all be like JD in scrubs and stick to the ‘Appletini, easy on the tini’. You would be ridiculed by manly men worldwide.

4)Give a manly hug

There are rare moments when a man is required to give a hug, however, when this moment comes along you better be prepared. If unknown to you here’s a quick guide: arms spread eagle like, step forward into the hug and clasp. Then a few extremely forceful slaps on the back. Whoever slaps harder is more of a man in this scenario.

5)Teach your son standards

Absolutely bloody essential. Women, drink and food; only the finest please.

6)Dress well

Again only the finest please, bloody vital. Here a man must teach his son how to tie a tie, how to dress co-ordinately and most importantly how to dress for a night out on the raz a ma tazz. If you need any help here follow Dada David’s lead.

7)To pee standing up

A baby is like a puppy in that it pees anywhere and everywhere. Instead of sending your son to the dog trainer, teach him how to pee standing up. Also let him know, he’s a man now, he can go wherever he likes Big-Daddy style.

8)The Handshake

No time for a fishy handshake here, we’re not in wezz, go firm and go hard and most importantly who ever looks away first loses. The manly handshake consists of 2 rounds, whoever’s hand hurts the most and whoever stares the longest. Win both and you’ll have your opponents respect.